


The Brunt of The Responsibility

by Anonymous



Series: Breathe, let go, and be in the flow of right now [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Fingering, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Dom Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kink communication, M/M, Mentioned Buckley Parents, Panic Attacks, Porn with Feelings, Porn with a Point, Praise Kink, Rope Bondage, Safeword Use, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Subdrop, Submissive Evan "Buck" Buckley, Top Drop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:43:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29907516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Buck had been right there.Right there!Inching up higher and higher with each loving stroke of Eddie’s teasing finger just shy of his prostate, leaving Buck withering on the bed.But it wasn’t working.Nothing was working.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Breathe, let go, and be in the flow of right now [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174808
Comments: 5
Kudos: 168
Collections: Anonymous





	The Brunt of The Responsibility

Buck was in a loose hogtie —one of his favorite positions— with Eddie working him open like he’s a fucking work of art when it happened. 

Buck had been right there. _Right there!_ Inching up higher and higher with each loving stroke of Eddie’s teasing finger just shy of his prostate, leaving Buck withering on the bed. 

But it wasn’t working. 

Nothing was working. 

Buck pulled on his arm and moaned against the sinful tension that dragged his ankle back with it. The tie was simple with one wrist being tied to a connecting line to the opposite ankle and vice versa creating an X with the rope so that the strain was only there when he struggled but gave Eddie access to push him a little farther.

To push his hips a little farther.

To push Buck a little farther.

Like he believed he could do it. Like Eddie believed Buck could do anything. 

But he couldn’t and nothing was working. Somewhere along the way, Buck’s head had taken a wrong turn and now he was lost. So lost and it was his own fault. 

Buck tugged on his other ankle and felt the rope pull at his wrist, a feeling he often found grounding. But the pull was on the edge of being too tight and too frustrating and not enough.

Eddie paused and a soothing hand settled into the small of Buck’s back. 

“Color?” Eddie asked. 

“Green, sir,” Buck answered without hesitation because he was trying. 

He could get there. He could! 

The pad of Eddie’s finger circled Buck’s prostate and Buck stuttered out another moan that had him pulling at his bindings and inching further up to that headspace where he was good and loved. 

Sometimes, Buck felt like he was an unaccompanied balloon, forgotten about long enough to slip through someone’s fingers and set adrift in the wind, never to be seen again. He loved the floating but the fear of being lost was overwhelming. He found security in the rope, like a guide line to cling onto as he rode the high of sub space and did everything he could to be good. 

Good for himself but good for Eddie too. 

But he was trying and it wasn’t working. None of the praise Eddie showered him in was breaking through the dark dense fog in his brain. Buck felt like he was inching up, up, _up_ but in the wrong direction. 

Eddie’s mouth landed on Buck’s spine, hot and wet like a flare in the night and Buck followed him to try and get back into the moment. Because Eddie would help him. Eddie was his tether and Buck had his kisses to keep him from being lost in the wind.

The solid stroke against his prostate was short lived but punched out all the air in Buck’s lungs as Eddie started to fuck his fingers in and out of Buck. Eddie’s kisses on his spine, soft and gentle, in comparison to the almost too rough thrusting of his fingers as he nailed Buck’s prostate over and over again rocked Buck out of the fog and into the sun faster than he could even imagine. The octave of his panting pitched higher and higher with each fleeting jab only to whine as Eddie would sporadically linger a moment to stroke Buck’s prostate with a crook of his finger. The crest of his orgasm was surging hot in his stomach and pooling down his thighs and _yes!_ Yes, Buck was getting there. He was inching closer and closer to that soft edge where he was good for _something_ that wasn’t fucking up everything and he was so close he could taste it on the back of his throat.

Buck’s toes curled and he pulled his arms enough to send the tension into a steady burn around his ankles when Eddie pulled out all the way, leaving Buck gaping and wailing into the edge of the pillow he could bite down on if he arched his head far enough.

“You’re doing so good, Buck,” Eddie said from somewhere behind him. “Look at you. So beautiful.”

But Buck didn’t feel beautiful. He didn’t feel good. He felt wrong and limp. The tension of the rope was too slacked and not enough. Buck’s pulse thundered in his ears as he keened, feeling too much of everything but not enough of what mattered. He hid his face into mattress.

“Almost there,” Eddie said as the cap of the lube clicked again. “You’re doing so good.”

He wasn’t. He didn’t know what Eddie saw in him to think so but he wasn’t. He wasn’t. He wasn’t.

The blunt pressure of Eddie’s cock felt right even in Buck’s spiral downward but he was spinning out too fast and too far to settle into it. Eddie’s head slid into Buck’s hole like it belonged, and it did, as the ridge of his crown breached past the ring of relaxed muscles but it was the final thing that tipped Buck over the edge and sent him crashing.

Too fast. Too lost. It wasn’t working. None of it was working. Buck wasn’t working. 

He wanted to stop. 

He wanted let go and stop. It wasn’t working and he wanted to stop. 

It wasn’t working. None of it was working. Everything was too sharp and the words that had been bouncing around his head all day beat down Eddie’s praise until it was flat against the pavement. 

“R-red.”

The tension at his wrists slipped away before he could even finish saying the word and Eddie’s hand turned flat and firm against his side as he cut the rope away with his knife that had been on the bed side table. He didn’t even notice Eddie easing out of him until that emptiness tunneled through him and left him gasping out a wordless cry. 

“I’m right here, Buck. I got you. One second.” 

Buck curled his legs to his chest as he turned onto his side, tucking his face into his knees as the panic attack started to crash down over him. It was like he was falling from the top of the highest tree and hitting every branch on the way down.

Not enough.

Never enough.

Broken parts.

Damaged goods.

_You never made it easy. Never._

_You couldn’t even—_

_Margaret, don’t._

He was never enough. He was never good. He couldn’t be when he was so shattered and splintered and he didn’t know what Eddie saw in him to think that. Buck wasn’t in oblivion; he was in a void. Lost in a void where he was screaming and no one could hear him.

“Buck,” Eddie said, his voice breaking through like it always did. “Buck, you need to take a breath.”

Buck did but only because he knew it would make Eddie happy and he couldn’t believe what he’d just done. He’d ruined everything. _Everything._

“No, you didn’t, Buck,” Eddie said as if Buck had spoken that out loud and maybe he did. “You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay. I’m right here.”

That’s right. A panic attack. He’d had those before. They felt endless but they always ended eventually. Eddie stating it, reminding him, was enough for him to slam back into the present as he gasped again.

He was there in their bed. He wasn’t there where he was a ghost. Eddie was there. Not his parents. Not the haunting of someone he didn’t know.

Eddie.

Eddie was there, his heat beside him, but not touching him as Buck clawed his way through the worst of it. His heart was thundering in his head as his vision swam but Eddie was there. Sturdy and steady beside him and waiting for Buck.

Buck sucked in a sharp breath that hitched into the back of his throat but the sweet taste of air loosened something in his chest enough for him to do it again.

“Good, Buck, good.”

His hearing came back to him first as Eddie’s words washed over him and his breathing whistled into something away from hyperventilating. But the whistle settled across his nerves and hissed to life across his arms and his chest and his legs and his back.

The buzzing beneath his skin was too loud and too sharp and he just wanted to do one thing right and he— 

“Kiss. Please. Kiss.” The kiss. His lifeline. It’d been there for him whenever he needed and he needed it badly. 

Eddie leaned into his space, resting his hand over Buck’s cheek, and kissed him. The feeling of Eddie, having him so close, was all Buck needed to launch himself across the chasm between them and throw his arms around him. Eddie rolled until he was on his back and pulled Buck into him as he smoothed his hands into Buck’s hair and in circles on his back. 

“That’s okay, babe. It’s okay. Cry it out.” 

Buck didn’t even realize he was crying until Eddie said that but when he did, he realized was. Heavily. Big fat rolling tears that’s took your breath away and scolded trails on your cheeks. 

“I’m sorry.” Buck tried to say but he couldn’t over the hitching sobs. 

Eddie felt his lips against his collarbone and shook his head. 

“Nothing to be sorry about. You did so good using your safe word. I’m so proud of you. You did so good. We’ll talk more when we’ve calmed down, okay?”

The use of the word 'we' stuck onto Buck’s brain like a wad of chewing gum in the heat. We. Eddie hadn’t said Buck, he’d said _we_. Buck lifted a hand to Eddie’s chest and felt his heart hammering against his palm. 

“You okay?” He maybe got out, he still wasn’t sure. 

Eddie huffed out a laugh and kissed him on the forehead. It rocked Buck to his core and he started to shake in response. 

“I will be when you are. Let’s get you back on steady ground again.” 

Without letting him go, Eddie reached over and grabbed the blanket they’d spent far too long picking out for Buck.

Fuzzy blankets were too slippery for Buck’s liking but the feeling of a weight blanket as he was drifting was too heavy too. It wasn’t until they’d been called to a Target in downtown LA, to one of those calls where Buck and Eddie were really just there to lift anybody if necessary, that Buck had found it. It was a simple throw, stitched with sweatshirt material on one side and sherpa lined on the other, that felt soft and stable beneath his fingertips and reminded him a little of what it was like to be held by Eddie. Buck was pretty sure it was meant to go in a college dorm but he didn’t care. It was perfect and all it took was one look to Eddie for him to understand. He tucked the blanket under his arm and bought it that day as they were leaving back to the rig. 

It’d been stupidly expensive and Buck had wanted to pay Eddie back but Eddie shook his head. 

_“This is part of it for me, Buck. I like to make you feel cared for. Provided for.”_

It felt like heaven against his frazzled nerves as Eddie tucked the blanket around Buck’s shoulders. Buck, still crying and still wheezing, plucked a corner of his blanket and draped it over Eddie’s chest so it could be tucked across his shoulders too.

Eddie laughed, quiet and a little sad, and helped Buck’s clumsy fingers before he rolled and pulled Buck even closer.

“My sweet good boy. Always so sweet.” He peppered Buck’s hairline with kisses and settled his cheek onto Buck’s head. “It’s okay, Buck. We’re okay.”

Buck tucked into the space beneath Eddie’s jaw and cried some more.

Hating himself but not nearly as much as he would’ve without Eddie curled around him.

“It’s okay, Buck. It’s okay. You did so good using your safe word. I’m so proud of you.”

They could’ve been there, tangled into each other, for hours for all Buck knew. But it’d been long enough for him to feel the way Eddie’s heartbeat slowed into a natural rhythm again beneath his palm. Long enough for Eddie’s chest to start to rise and fall in a steady lull that flood into Buck’s own lungs as he followed his lead. Long enough for his head to start to hurt from the tears that had turned sticky on his face and the lube between his legs to turn tacky and gummy on his thighs.

Long enough for the guilt to start to eat away at him for making Eddie drown with him because that’s exactly what he’d done.

Eddie had known that he’d had a therapy appointment with his parents that morning. He’d known because Buck had told him about how his parents had rescheduled it without asking him. Eddie had listened as Buck grumbled about the change in plans. Between work and Christopher’s school and Buck trying to work things out with his parents, they’d hardly had any time to themselves. The itch for a scene had been prodding both of them and today had supposed to have been their first time in weeks where they had the house to themselves and the following day off to recover and they’d both been _so excited_ to be connected on that level with one another again.

They still had sex and they still kissed each other as much as possible but there was something different about being in a scene with one another; when it was just the two of them consumed and connected in a way that sent them floating for hours afterwards.

And Buck’s parents had ruined it.

Buck had ruined it. 

Because Eddie had known that Buck had an appointment with them that morning but Buck hadn’t told him how bad that appointment had gone. How his mom had gotten upset which had upset his dad and suddenly, it was two on one again and Buck was outnumbered and feeling hollowed out and invisible all over again. Buck had been surprised Eddie had seen him at all when he’d gotten home because he’d felt like shadow when he’d leaned in for a kiss and a promise that he would hurry up with his shower.

But the thing was Eddie wasn’t a mind reader and Buck was deceptively good at hiding things from the people he cared about when he wanted to be. He should’ve told him. Instead, he’d dragged Eddie down with him until they were spinning out of control together. 

“It wasn’t you,” Buck said, his voice breaking the silence between them. “It wasn’t. I’m sorry.”

Eddie said nothing for a moment but he curled around Buck tighter, pushing himself a little further under Buck as if he wanted to feel the weight of him.

“Talk to me, Buck.”

So, Buck told him. Told him about how his mom had bawled her way through, throwing accusations after accusations over Dr. Copeland’s objections. How the session had felt more like facing a firing squad than a conversation. How it’d eaten Buck up inside until he was too twisted to see past his own nose.

How he’d tried so hard to convince Eddie that he was fine that he’d tricked himself into thinking he was too.

“I just…” Buck sucked in another breath as he felt the ugly rush of tears burning the back of his eyes again. “I thought I was fine after my appointment and I wasn’t and I could feel the panic attack coming.”

Eddie shifted beneath him and Buck clung to him harder because he needed Eddie to know.

“It wasn’t you.” He insisted, pressing a kiss against Eddie’s pulse point on his throat. “It wasn’t you. I should’ve told you. I should’ve known better. I’m so sorry, Eddie. _I’m sorry—”_

Buck broke off with a near sob as the brunt of the responsibility settled too heavily on Buck’s shoulders.

“Hey,” Eddie said, voice firm as he pulled away. “Look at me.”

His forefinger curled under Buck’s chin and he tapped until Buck did.

Buck blinked a few times past the swimming vision until Eddie’s face became clear. His expression was drawn, worry pinching at the corner of his lips, but the love he somehow managed to hold for Buck was still there in his brown eyes. Firm, tender, permanent love.

“Yes, you should’ve told me,” Eddie said, rubbing his thumb across Buck’s lips. “I would’ve put our scene on pause. But you never, ever have to be sorry for safe wording.”

Eddie leaned down and kissed Buck, firm, tender, and loving. It left Buck breathless.

“Okay?” Eddie asked as he leaned his head against Buck’s forehead and brushed his nose along the slope of Buck’s. “You never have to apologize for not being okay.”

“I just…” Buck started before he sucked in his lip. “I wanted you. I needed to…”

“What?” Eddie asked, brushing away a few tears from Buck’s face that slipped out.

Beneath the blanket and the weight of Eddie’s arm, Buck had never felt more protected in all his life; more loved and held as the rocking beneath his emotions finally started to lull.

But he also felt _terrible._

The words thrown at him had welted at his heart and the guilt of having dragged Eddie down with him still lingered beneath the soothing. Doubt that persisted even though the rational part of his brain was telling him the opposite.

He wanted to feel _good_ at something for one minute so badly that he’d been reckless and inconsiderate.

“What Buck?” Eddie asked again.

“I needed to feel something that wasn’t this.”

And in the process, had managed to lash out in a way at Eddie. Buck dropped his eyes down to stare at the corner of Eddie’s mouth. His lips quirked beneath Buck’s gaze before softening and Buck leaned until he could push his brow against them.

Eddie pressed a kiss as he adjusted the blanket that had slipped from his shoulders so it was further around Buck. Buck, in turn, took the corner again and tucked it over Eddie.

“You understand that us,” Eddie said, squeezing Buck tighter. “This? It isn’t a method to process your trauma, right? You know that.”

Buck did. They’d talked about it repeatedly. It was why Eddie didn’t call Buck names and why Buck was honest with Eddie, usually, about when he needed a minute. They pushed the limit together to meet each other’s needs.

“I know,” Buck said with a nod. “I just… I’m sorry.”

He was so sorry. Buck hadn’t been honest with himself and in turn he hadn’t been honest with Eddie.

“I know. It’s okay,” Eddie said, his lips moving across Buck’s brow and soothing away the sharpest sting of the guilt. “You did so good and I’m so proud of you.”

Even through everything, Eddie was still wedging himself firmly between Buck and a hard landing. The thought alone was enough for Buck feel soft and velvety.

“We can find other ways to take you out of your head if it gets like that. Together. As a team.”

The ferocity in Eddie’s tone lingered on the edge of relief and frustration.

Buck pushed up on his elbow and leaned over Eddie still cushioned in the pillows. He lifted a hand, shocked to see that his wrists were a little red where he must have pulled too hard against the rope, but ignored that in favor of cradling Eddie’s cheek.

His brown eyes were soft and he turned to press a kiss against Buck’s palm but the stress was still tight in Eddie’s eyes all the same.

“I’m… okay,” Buck said honestly because he wasn’t good but he wasn’t bad either. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Thank you for catching me.”

Eddie curled his fingers around Buck’s wrists, feeling his pulse and taking a deep breath as he promised:

“I’ll always catch you. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Buck said, feeling like he was on steadier ground than he’d been all day.

But while Eddie may have caught him, Buck still needed to help him up too.

“What can I do?”

Eddie’s arm slipped over his waist and pulled him back down and Buck curled his arms around his neck like it was the easiest thing in the world.

It was. With Eddie it was. 

Eddie knew Buck’s needs insides and out. He knew what Buck liked. He knew what Buck needed. He knew what Buck needed sometimes better than Buck did himself. But now it was Buck’s turn. Eddie needed him.

“A kiss.” Eddie requested, soft and quiet. “Please.”

That Buck could certainly do.


End file.
